People thought I was the life and soul of the party, but inside I was screaming

A woman who ‘felt no one would notice I was just gone’ is helping others survive the impact of suicide.

Zoe Richards spoke about how it felt; days, weeks and years after he tried to take his own life. After surviving, she tried various things to help — and says some worked, but others didn’t.

The 62-year-old, from Southport, eventually found what worked best. Zoe found that what worked was “a puzzle of different things”.

READ MORE: When Louise came, I had to tell her the grim news about our baby

READ MORE: The ‘fatal’ £10 drug crisis targeting young people on Liverpool streets

Zoe told the ECHO: “A failure to take your own life feels like adding to failures. I started doing something my nanny used to do because my nanny had mental health issues and her mother did the same.

“She ended each day by counting three blessings. She said “if a blessing today was all you managed to do was get out of bed, it was a blessing”.

“I would end each day looking for three blessings, I might have a parking space, little things, nothing huge. I also said something my nanny would say, “Every day, in some small way, I get better. “, and I would keep telling myself that every day and it helped me a lot.”

Over five years, from 1993 to 1998, Zoe had what she describes as “a very slow gradual feeling of not being well and something very difficult to describe. When I talk to other people who have had mental health issues, certainly in the beginning, it just doesn’t feel right.

“You can’t put your finger on it and say this is what’s wrong with me. It’s just an uncomfortable feeling, a bit like you don’t notice you’re gaining weight until suddenly your clothes don’t fit very well. “

Zoe was told it “could be a delayed or milder form of postnatal depression”. Not noticing the slow effects, it overturned her and coincided with other things going on in her life.”

She said: “I got to a place where I felt worthless, I didn’t have a place in the family even though I was good at my job, I felt like an impostor doing the job.

“The first thing I noticed: I would drive to work, two places, one Aintree, the other Fleetwood. If I went to Fleetwood, I got to a point where I could continue driving to Ireland, which meant driving across the sea, or turn right and go to Fleetwood.

“It was that thought that I began to notice; would anyone notice that I did this and I actually felt that no one would notice that I had just left. The logical part of your brain tells you that of course people would notice.

“When you’re in the middle of it, there’s no logic to what you’re going through. You are in an illogical phase”.

Like many people who go through mental health struggles, Zoe said: “It’s difficult to identify what is placing you at any given moment. It’s difficult to pinpoint why you feel something on a given day.”

She believes she may have had premenstrual dysphoric disorder, which she describes as “worse than most women who experience PMS and may have what appear to be bipolar episodes. It’s not, it’s actually a reaction to the hormones in your body.

“A lot of women would understand that. I’m becoming someone I don’t know.”

The 36-year-old knew that on a dark October night in 1998, her husband knew nothing of what she was trying to do. Zoe visited her GP a few weeks after her suicide attempt but only said she felt depressed.

The family doctor said they didn’t want to medicate him and suggested going into nature or going to talk therapy. 18 months later she tried talk therapy and said: “I found I didn’t connect with talk therapy, it’s probably a misconception by most people that people who are depressed don’t want to talk but they can talk about this on an intellectual level. not at the level of feelings”.

Since then, Zoe has written and published a book launched at Liverpool’s Waterstones on June 20 called The garden of her heart, a story about hope and second chances. the book; inspired by Zoe’s experiences, is a fictional story about a character named Holly Bush, who is fired after a brutal attack and joins a retreat where she tends a garden.

It’s the first in a new list from University of Central Lancashire Publishing focusing on fiction written by and for women. Author Philippa East said: “What a beautiful book. Holly’s story is poignant and raw, like an inspiring and compassionate self-help guide that shows us that we can survive, grow and thrive, even in the most desperate of times.” .

Zoe continued: “I could hide from the counselor what was really going on, she probably knew, but I was quite clever with my answers so I stopped her from getting to the point where she could help me. I think there are many people like that.

“I’ve described myself as the world’s best patcher of life, I could patch up my own cracks in front of other people. I would have cried, felt hopeless and wanted to curl up in a ball, all in private.

“There are many people who can put on a mask to hide their feelings like I did. I was cracking jokes, laughing a lot and people thought I was the life and soul of the party, but inside I was screaming.

“I didn’t tell anyone until I was almost 50, no family, no one at all. I actually found myself confessing to a large group of women in a private Facebook group that I really connected with, other women sharing their vulnerabilities, I met a few of them in person.”

They came together to manifest, all for different reasons. Because the women were vulnerable, Zoe felt comfortable being vulnerable herself and after telling them “that voicelessness through a keyboard became easier.

“I told my husband, he was shocked, then family and friends. They were shocked. Shocked (and) made her feel guilty that I wasn’t there to help me.

Zoe isn’t sure if people can spot signs and said: “Sometimes you have a gut feeling about something. That trouble in the back of the head, something they told me earlier, I think I should call them back.

“Call them back. Don’t forget that and think ‘oh no’ because if something bothers you, you understand it and you do something about it.” Zoe thinks that doesn’t mean they’re suicidal, but you might as well catch them before they get to that point, because then they “know they’re not alone.”

Zoe has been writing since the age of six and The garden of her heart is Zoe’s first novel. She said of main character Holly, who is physically and mentally scarred: “She goes to a refuge where there is a garden that needs tender loving care. By helping the garden, she helps herself.

“The thing that everyone who has experienced some form of mental health needs to remember is: what works for one person may not work for you. It’s okay to go and try different ways to help yourself.

“If talk therapy doesn’t work for you, try walking in nature, if walking in nature doesn’t work for you, try walking and getting a massage. If getting a massage doesn’t work for you, find a group of people you can talk to that’s what I did, it was a puzzle of different things.”

For information about Zoe and her book, visit HERE

Don’t miss the biggest and breaking stories by subscribing to the Echo Daily newsletter here

Marks & Spencer ‘lounging around the garden’ easy dress with pockets, £19