I inherited a $650,000 house from my grandparents, but my husband says I’ll never have any money when I grow up. Is he right?

Dear Quentin,

I am the sole beneficiary of an inheritance. I inherited my grandparents house, which is worth $650,000. I have about that much in the bank. My husband says the house doesn’t count towards my net worth (for what it’s worth, the house in question has been paid off for 35 years).

I am planning to buy a second home as an investment property. My grandparents made their money in real estate and investments. They were brokers and accountants. I have what is mine and my husband has the trailer he inherited from his father that he just lets sit there and does nothing with.

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He wants me to buy a fridge and pay to fix it. That’s none of my business! I told him that all of that equaled a net worth of over $1 million and he called me a liar. He always tells me how poor I am and that I will never have money when I grow up.

He brings that up constantly. Is he right? Or am I a millionaire?

I don’t feel like a millionaire

Related: “He plans to bleed me”: My husband turned into a monster after we got married. I own a $1.3 million house. How do I save myself and my finances?

Dear Millionaire,

First of all, congratulations. You’re a millionaire, at least on paper. If you don’t have $300,000 in debt in your name alone, you’ve crossed the $1 million mark. Your husband is wrong about your financial situation. What’s more intriguing is why he cares.

Your spouse may be abusive. He can be a jerk. It can be both. I don’t know, but I do know that you should never get used to normalizing unhealthy and toxic behavior, especially the kind of comments that are designed to make you feel “less than.”

Your net worth is calculated by subtracting your debts from your assets. You inherited a house and have $650,000 in a bank account. That’s $1.3 million. If you have personal loans, this would reduce your personal wealth by the remaining amount of those loans.

If you have a property with a mortgage and you have failed to keep that account separate from your spouse’s, this could mean that the property could be commingled. Similarly, if you received an inheritance and deposited that money into a joint account instead of a separate bank account, that money would be commingled.

In the event of a divorce, in a community property state, all property acquired during the marriage is considered marital property. This includes contributions and appreciation to an IRA or 401(k) during the marriage, which can often coincide with a couple’s peak earning years.

In an equitable distribution state, your assets are divided fairly, but not necessarily equally. Generally, assets you brought into the marriage are considered separate as long as you keep them that way, and the same will apply to your $650,000 of property.

Whatever you do with the inherited property, don’t use marital funds to renovate or sell it or put the proceeds into a joint bank account. Otherwise, that investment will cease to be separate property. The same if you buy an investment property. If your spouse contributes significantly to the maintenance or renovation of your grandparents’ home, you risk commingling that asset.

Your problem is not financial

All that being said, your problem is not financial. Your problem is sitting on the other side of the kitchen table, undermining your confidence, stealing your sunshine, and trying to give you as few options in life as possible. But get this: You have options, and lots of them.

You are in a lucky position. In 29 percent of marriages today, according to the Pew Research Center, both spouses earn about the same amount of money, while 55 percent have a spouse who is the primary or sole breadwinner and 16 percent have a spouse who provides support.

I don’t know why your husband insists on putting you down and trying to instill fear and insecurity in you, especially when you have so much going for you. My only guess – and it is a guess – is that the more financial independence you have, the less control it has over you.

The high cost of gas lighting

And now I’m going to mark your card: coercive control and financial abuse are often linked. The vast majority of domestic abuse cases also involve economic abuse, and finances are one of the main reasons a person stays with or returns to an abusive partner.

“Economic abuse is a unique form of intimate partner violence and includes behaviors that control the survivor’s ability to acquire, use, and maintain resources,” according to a review of studies published in BMC Public Health, an open-access, peer-reviewed journal. .

“These tactics can cause someone to become economically dependent on their partner and limit their ability to leave the relationship and establish independence,” it said. When you stop believing in yourself and your abilities, you and your finances are vulnerable to abuse.

Gaslighters are people who cast themselves in a positive light – as a friend or confidante who is there to help – but who actually manipulate or undermine others, usually but not always from the shadows, which adds to the ability their to confuse you.

Merriam-Webster defines gaslighting as “psychological manipulation” that causes the victim to question their perception of reality and can lead to “loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of emotional or mental stability, and dependence on the perpetrator “.

The term was coined in a 1938 play, Gas Light, a psychological thriller set in Victorian London written by Patrick Hamilton, which was made into a 1944 film starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer . Sometimes the gas lighter wants money. Other times, it’s control.

Don’t allow anyone to destroy your finances, happiness or reality. Maybe I’m overreacting, or maybe that’s what someone who brings you down instead of building you up would have us believe. Here’s what I do know: This new home will give you a new source of income.

Financial independence brings power. Never underestimate that.

Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:

“Always managed to play golf”: My husband of 14 years has never worked and we are now divorcing. He wants half of my million dollar house. What can i do?

“Once a cheater, always a cheater”: I am the beneficiary of my ex-husband’s $250,000 life insurance. Now he threatens to change it. Is he violating our divorce decree?

My father “deliberately and hurtfully” removed my late sister’s two children from his will. How can I make sure I get my fair share?

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