A ‘good dose of hate’ keeps Jamie Lee Curtis’ marriage going

“Like all of a sudden you want to hate each other. And the next day, it’s a pretty sunny day, and the dog does something cute, and your kid does something cute, and you look at each other and you’re like, ‘oh my gosh,’ and then you’re on another track.” said Curtis, 65.

She added that “perseverance, patience, gentleness and a good dose of hate” is what she believes makes a marriage work.

The “Everything Everywhere All Once” star said actor Marlo Thomas and the late Phil Donahue published a book on long marriages, “What Makes a Marriage Last: 40 Famous Couples Share Their Secrets to a Happy Life.”

Thomas and Donahue, who had been married for 44 years, asked Curtis what she thought was the secret to a long marriage. Curtis said she replied, “How can you hate each other and stay in it.”

Curtis recalled asking if she was the first to talk about her husband’s hatred. She said Thomas replied: “Mmmhmm.”

“I said, well, that’s the truth. You’re going to hate each other,” Curtis said, adding, “We’re human beings.”

“And so don’t go. Don’t let hate make you make a choice you’ll regret. I think that’s really the secret,” she said.

In an essay written by Curtis to People in 2022, she recalled opening an issue of Rolling Stone in 1984 and seeing Guest in a story. She said, “I’m going to marry that guy”—and six months later, she did. The couple went on to have two daughters, Annie, 37, and Ruby, 28.

In 2015, Curtis told Today that her marriage advice was not to divorce. “It’s a fascinating thing,” she said. “I could write a book about marriage called ‘Don’t Leave.’

The science of loving and hating your partner

A marriage isn’t always rainbows and butterflies—and research has shown that’s normal.

In a 2014 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, researchers asked 37 participants to think about their significant other and then report their positive and negative feelings about the person. Although participants were quicker to categorize positive words after seeing their partners’ names, they associated them with negative words more quickly.

Researchers have concluded that people do not love or hate their partners. Rather, I love and hate them.

And while hate can sometimes manifest itself in the form of criticism, there are ways to keep a relationship from too much negativity. Avigail Lev, a therapist in San Francisco, previously told Business Insider that couples can follow psychologist John Gottman’s “magical 5:1 ratio.”

Based on the report, Gottman advised couples to follow up with five positive interactions for every negative interaction. Lev said one example is to give five compliments for every criticism you give your partner.

“We don’t have to discount the criticism,” Lev said. “We just add more appreciation and gratitude.”

A representative for Curtis did not immediately respond to an after-hours request for comment from Business Insider.