My wife filed for divorce after 21 years. She wants to buy a house with our savings, but she promises to help me pay my mortgage.

Dear Quentin,

My wife of 21 years has informed me that she wants a divorce. We own a home together with nine years left on the mortgage. Our savings account contains a large amount of readily available cash that we use for emergency funds, tuition and living expenses for our son – and as a back-up in case one of us loses our jobs.

She says she wants to use all the savings to buy her own place and would help me keep paying the mortgage on our current house if I chose to keep living there (and I plan on staying put). I will have to fully cover all household expenses and since her salary is higher than mine, she barely leaves me to cover the expenses myself.

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It would cover half of our son’s college expenses (two more years until he graduates). There is more than enough money in savings to pay off the current mortgage in full. I am scared to death of losing my job and have nothing to fall back on with no savings and I am three years away from full retirement.

What would – in your opinion – be the best use of the savings? I don’t see that he can take the full amount as it is in both names. Should the savings account be split 50/50 or is it better to eliminate the current mortgage and defer getting their half when the current home is sold sometime in the future?

Soon alone

Related: ‘I’m caught between brothers at war’: My late father left my siblings a ledger of $80,000 in unpaid loans. Can the executor make them pay?

dear future soon

Her plan sounds messy and leaves too much to chance.

Your joint savings account doesn’t go to your wife: No one can raid all these accounts and make promises about what will happen after you divorce. This is where codependency ends and a new life of independence begins. You don’t have to manage your wife’s expectations, you just have to manage yours, and she may or may not agree with you. What if she doesn’t? It’s too bad (for her).

Maryland is not a community property state, meaning assets cannot be split 50/50; consult an attorney, but if you earn less than your wife, you may be entitled to a larger settlement. Keep in mind that if your wife wants to empty that joint savings account, there’s nothing stopping her from doing it while you were both married. A judge may not look kindly on such actions, but it is better to protect your assets now.

There may be a lot of room for compromise when it comes to paying your son’s school fees, or how long you decide to stay in the family home, or whether you should use your savings account to sell the house now. But if you feel like your savings give you peace of mind, especially since you earn less than your wife, stick with it. (Americans should have about six months of emergency savings in case something bad happens, yet most don’t. Don’t be part of that 63%).

You can do a lot to prepare yourself for this breakup. First, hire your own lawyer and let them be the bad cop for your good cop. Be civil, polite, kind and stick to your goals. While you wait for the negotiations, take inventory of your life insurance policies and retirement accounts (including IRAs and 401(k)s) and think about who you might want as the beneficiary in your future spouse’s place.

In addition to the divorce decree when you or your spouse decide to file, you may need a “Qualified Domestic Relations Order” – a court order requiring the division of your workplace retirement benefits or IRA. You are not alone. More baby boomers are getting divorced, studies show — a third of boomers are now single — and they’re likely to be more worried about retirement as they get closer to retirement age, currently 66.

When consulting a divorce attorney, think creatively. Are you going to make renovations at home? If so, it should be deducted from any final sale. If you are the only one paying the mortgage and your wife gets a sum of money to put a down payment on her own home, then your wife should not get the full sale price either. If you cannot agree to an amicable division of assets, the court will intervene on your behalf.

Your wife has very clear ideas about what she wants out of this divorce, so it may be wise to freeze all joint bank accounts before your divorce is finalized. It may not be what she gets, but you should know exactly where you draw the line and the areas that are open for negotiation. You can only succeed in these negotiations if you know what you want before you go into them and understand what is at stake.

You need a clean split: 50/50.

Related: “Their house was bought with my family’s money”: My late father left a life estate to his second wife. She is only 10 years older than me. How can I cancel this?

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

“My husband blew a gasket”: I bought a $20,000 Toyota SUV using financing. My husband said, “Pay it right away.” Did I get a bad deal?

‘I’m caught between brothers at war’: My late father left my siblings a ledger of $80,000 in unpaid loans. Can they be forced to pay?

‘This flies in the face of my morals and ethics’: My father cut my sisters out of his six-figure estate. Should I go back?

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