The Hospice Drive Series sparks conversations at the end of life

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld was the inspiration for Hospice Huronia’s Driving Die-alogues.

Debbie Kesheshian, executive director of Hospice Huronia, and Tammy Vater, coordinator of supportive care, were trying to think of a way to normalize the conversation about the often taboo subject of death and dying.

They decided to follow Seinfeld’s model with his show Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, where Seinfeld picks up a fellow comedian and they chat while they go for coffee.

“Tammy and I are thinking about going for a drive and having a conversation that is just normal and human. She and I ask a question and go back and forth with an open dialogue,” says Kesheshian.

A year later, the duo has created about 30 short videos posted on YouTube and the Hospice website, and plan to create more.

Sometimes the two use the Death Deck, a deck of cards, each with a question about a death and dying issues, and sometimes they have a passenger who educates them about an issue.

They once brought in Joanne Byrick, a hospice volunteer who runs the Parents’ Circle, a group of parents who seek understanding, guidance and support after the death of a child. The question she was asked was “What do you say and what don’t you say to a neighbor or friend who has lost a child?”

“It’s difficult to talk about death and dying,” says Vater. “People are reluctant to talk about it because it makes them feel uncomfortable.”

So what happens is that people avoid talking about it, and when the person dies, the family is left not only with the pain, but also with difficult tasks to deal with, without any direction, Vater explains.

One of the goals of Driving Die-alogues is to normalize the end-of-life conversation so that the dying person can express their final wishes, get the best symptom management, and develop a plan for the family to follow after his death.

Taking advantage of hospice programs can be part of that. It all starts with an initial visit. Vater is an RPN who studied Thanatology, the study of death and dying. She is also a nurse.

Vater’s role is to be with people from the initial visit to help them navigate and answer questions. She provides comfort and support to people to ensure that whatever time they have left is as good as it can be.

“People aren’t necessarily afraid of death, they’re afraid of death and the process of dying,” Kesheshian says.

“Will it hurt? Will I be short of breath? Will I be a burden to my family?”

Hospice makes home visits wherever home is. It may be their home, hospital, nursing home or nursing home, or it may be a five-bed hospice admission.

Medical treatment and intervention have come a long way in the past 10 years. Symptoms and pain can be managed much better now than in the past, says Kesheshian.

“The biggest thing for us with Driving Die-alogues is to interrupt conversations, humanize them and laugh about certain things. Life is happy,” she says.

“The death. I know it’s a hard concept to grasp, but when you’re around people who are dying, you can say what you need to say. It is a gift. We can know that person until the end.”

The second goal of Driving Die-alogues is to talk about pain.

“Mourning is a normal human reaction. When you love someone and lose them, you will be sad. Unfortunately, it’s the price we pay for love,” says Kesheshian.

Hospices provide bereavement support where people can come and talk about their grief without judgment and find a way to remember and honor their loved ones while also getting on with their lives. They have pain groups for adults and children.

Grief can put people in a dark hole and they can have suicidal thoughts, Kesheshian said. Hospice Huronia’s pain groups have helped keep people alive.

“They often say, ‘You saved me,'” Kesheshian says.

A good resource is the book: Hope for the Best Plan for the Rest: 7 Keys to Navigating a Life-Changing Diagnosis by Dr. Sammy Winemaker and Dr. Hsien Seow. Dr. Winemaker has been a passenger, providing bits of useful information, in more than one Driving Die-alogue video.

For more information, call Hospice Huronia at 705-549-1034 or visit hospicehuronia.ca.