I went to college for free thanks to a scholarship; It wasn’t worth it

Those traditions tainted some of my college experience, especially coming from an exhaustive high school career where I put too much pressure on myself. But looking back, I still think this was the reward I deserved for my high school effort.

I dedicated my time in high school to fulfill my scholarship dream

In my senior year of high school, I was selected for a full-cost attendance scholarship program.

I’ve been working on it for four years. I loaded my schedule with AP courses and had many long nights studying for tests and working on projects. I took the ACT and SAT four times – each costing hundreds of dollars. I hosted school events and joined clubs, hoping to become part of the leadership team.

I even memorized chapters from my anatomy book in high school and rewrote them on a blackboard to get a 102% on the exam. Calculating my high school GPA annually to determine if I would climb the seven-to-one ranks was a thrill.

We did all this in the name of no student debt and a prestigious college experience. I enjoyed the challenge of working towards a goal that I created for myself. It showed me that I can reach for big dreams and realize them.

In retrospect, I would tell my high school self to stay passionate but let go of the pressure for perfection and focus instead on trying my best. Maybe knowing I was doing a good job would have kept me from crying about a B in geometry.

Being in the scholarship program left me with mixed feelings

The program encouraged me to focus less on grades and more on community impact, which led me to create a podcast to help incoming students better adjust to college life. The program also led me to develop meaningful friendships among people in my cohort – one of whom is now my husband.

However, I found that I had to give too much of myself to the scholarship program. It felt unexpectedly overwhelming and at times all-consuming when all I wanted to do was focus on my college experience. It left me no room to explore who I really am.

The time spent in college has been different than previous cohorts of students due to the COVID-19 pandemic. The pandemic mainly affected opportunities for scholarship-funded travel and reduced the number of events we could attend. These elements were unfortunately missed, but in the end I was grateful for the break from the program to explore my individuality.

Now I’m exploring who I am after college

Since college, I’ve learned the power of standing up for myself in academic settings and setting boundaries around my time. I usually let feelings of guilt and obligation guide my decision-making, and I’m sure this affected my experiences in the fellowship program.

The program helped me meet my now husband and even gave me a financial fresh start after graduation, but it also challenged my sense of self.

I’ve spent the last year challenging higher education’s notions of achievement, but I also know I can’t afford my current lifestyle with student loans.

So I’m still trying to decide if it was worth it.