Parenting Expert: Let Your Kids Fail So They Learn Resilience

That’s because every time we save, overprotect, or bin, we’re sending kids a damaging message: “We don’t think you’re capable of doing this on your own.” So the kids learn to depend on us to pick up the pieces and there is a chance for them to learn to bounce back.

The very next time you want to help, don’t. Instead, take a step back and subscribe to a new parenting behavior: “Never do for your child what your child can do for himself.”

Here are five ways to do it from the book I wrote with Julia Cook called “I Got This!”

Stop solving problems

Jumping in to solve your kids’ problems teaches them to expect you to always pick up the pieces and robs them of their resilience.

Instead, teach your kids how to brainstorm so they can solve their own problems. Say calmly, “Tell me what’s bothering you.” Then, encourage your child to brainstorm solutions. You can even call it the “Solution Game”.

With enough practice, children can use brainstorming techniques to solve problems that arise without our help.

Help them come up with a plan for next time

If we want to raise world-ready kids who bounce back, they need to learn that failure is a part of life.

Instead, stay calm and help your child develop what I call a “Come Back” plan. Ask, “What went wrong? What will you do differently next time?”

Give them an example. When you mess up, show them what you learned and how you will change in the future. Resilient children recognize that mistakes are not life sentences, boosting their confidence.

Don’t let them slide into negativity

Children can be hard on themselves and get stuck in negative thought patterns that reduce their potential to bounce back.

Alternatively, help your child identify a positive statement to maintain control over difficult situations.

Some ideas: “I’ll get over it,” “I get that,” or “It’s okay; I will pass”.

Encourage children to repeat their chosen upbeat phrase until they can use it themselves.

Tip: You could use the phrase over and over again until the outer voice becomes the inner voice of the child, which helps them to come back.

Break down goals so they are more manageable

Some children give up because they feel overwhelmed. Breaking down tasks into smaller, manageable parts also reduces worry and boosts children’s confidence.

Let’s say your child is overwhelmed with math homework. Instead of coddling them, tell your child to “reduce worry” by “covering all the math problems with paper except the top row. Then, as each row is completed, move the paper down to the next row and the next”.

Let’s say your child is afraid of swimming. You can say, “Put your thumb in the water today.” The next day, they can put on an ankle, then a knee, and finally the whole body. With each phase, they can feel a sense of accomplishment.

Teach your child to regulate his response

Breathing in slowly and deeply and then exhaling twice as long as the inhalation brings oxygen to the brain and can help children stay in control, especially during difficult times.

Instead of reacting to your child’s stress, say, “Just breathe! Take a big breath from the bottom of your belly and exhale through your lips.”

Teach younger children with soap bubbles. Tell them, “See how slowly and far you can take your worries away without bursting the bubble.”

With enough practice, children will learn to become their own regulators and be calmer when challenges arise.

The good news is that resilience isn’t locked into DNA, zip codes or temperament. And it’s never too late or too early to help kids learn to bounce back. This may be their best hope for coping with an unpredictable world.