My husband earns 3 times more than me. It made me question my worth.

The gap between our incomes had started to widen a few years before

In 2016, we barely got lost our combined incomeand our pay gap was only about 30%. We wanted to pay off our college loans, live comfortably, and start a family. That summer, he got an offer that would help us achieve those goals, and he jumped at the chance.

Our wage gap has begun to widen. Now he made about double what I made, but I wasn’t worried at first because it would mean better opportunities for me too.

Five years later, our college debt was paid off, we started looking for a house, and our son had just celebrated his first birthday. And as he accepted his new job offer, 30% payment discrepancy increased to 300%.

When she returned to work, I was in charge of childcare

When my husband started his new job, he back to the office for the first time since the beginning of the pandemic. For a blissful year and a half, we both worked from home and took care of our little one during the day. Now childcare from 8am to 6pm would fall solely on me.

I worried about whether I would be able to balance work and caring for our son and wondered if daycare would solve the problem, but it didn’t take long to realize that it wouldn’t be financially feasible. Full-time childcare for our 1 year old would consume most of my net salary. This disappointing knowledge made me want to quit my job, but we couldn’t afford that either. The bills we paid were significant, and going down to just one income would put us back in the barely scraped category we’d fought so hard to get out of.

So, I did my best to make it work. On the surface, it looked like I at least partially had my shit together; my work was always done on time, and my baby seemed to be growing and thriving, but inside, I was a mess. I felt like I was letting my boss down, or worse, my child. I never left the house except to visit the grocery store or the doctor. My life was childcare and work.

I started attaching my worth to how much money I was making

Deep down, I wondered if I was really only worth a third of what my husband was. The house was always a mess, I was making deadlines at my job right down to the wire, and I was afraid that my split focus was making me a failure as a mother. I felt like I wasn’t doing anything right and I didn’t deserve my own paycheck let alone six figure salary my husband did.

I decided that if I wasn’t bringing monetary value to my marriage, I needed to be a better mother and housekeeper. I tried to multitask, more child-rearing, more than anything. But every day felt like a losing battle. The strong, independent woman in me began to lose her voice, crushed by stress, daily duties, and endless self-doubt.

I quit my job and talked to my husband about how I was feeling

A year after my husband started his new job, I left mine. I’m tired of the stress, the self-pity, and the mom guilt. I switched to working part-time as a freelance writer. Although I make almost the same amount of money, I’ve sacrificed benefits like paid vacation and my 401(k) match. Still, freelancing renewed my enthusiasm, and being able to set my own schedule more than made up for the loss of benefits.

The most important thing I did before this decision was to talk to my husband. I explained why I needed to make the change and how my own insecurities made me feel like I had failed our family. He was horrified to learn that I felt so unsupported and that I agreed we should do things differently.

We started by putting our little one inside part-time day care so I could have dedicated days to focus on work. While the cost of two days a week was putting a strain on our budget, we desperately needed the mental break and knew our son would benefit from the socialization. We also agreed that our marriage was just as important as our finances, and we started going on weekly lunch dates to connect with each other.

Things are not perfect. I still worry that my husband will resent me for my late financial contribution, and there are days when I still beat myself up for not doing enough. But I am finally able to see that my contributions have value beyond money. I have raised a happy and healthy 4 year old and you have no price to put on it.