A widow’s advice on what not to say to someone whose husband has died

“They always came from a place of compassion, but some of the comments made me feel uncomfortable,” the mother told Business Insider. “In many cases, I wish I had said, ‘I really don’t know what to say,’ rather than some circumstance or trope.”

The recognition was more honest, she said – a true reflection of their state of mind.

Matthews, a self-development coach, outlines five things you’re best not to say when trying to comfort a young widow.

At least they are no longer in pain

Matthews said that making assumptions is a common mistake that comes up badly.

“Most people – beyond close friends and relatives – don’t really know the details and circumstances of the person’s death,” she added. “He might jump to conclusions.”

She takes comfort in knowing that her husband Ross, who died of brain cancer in July 2017, did not suffer until the end of his life.

“Ross has been ill for three-and-a-half years and it has been difficult following brain operations and treatment which have affected his health and day-to-day life,” she said.

“But he would have a seizure and then be fine in a few days. We carried on and carried on as we normally would, even going on holiday to Turks and Caicos three months before he died.”

She said he “deteriorated” soon after and was admitted to a hospice. “Most of the time, it was just him, but then he started sleeping through most of it,” she said.

I’m in a better place

The widow, who lives in the UK, advised people to keep religion out of the conversation – at least until they know the other person’s beliefs.

“These conversations are always unpleasant and messy, and I don’t judge people who follow a faith,” Matthews said. “But it’s a wild guess to think that I do and Ross did.

“I’m an atheist and I don’t think he went to heaven. When someone says he’s in a better place now, I think, “Well, he’s definitely not in a better place. He should be here with me and the girls. .'”

She said people told her, “God needed another angel.”

“It just makes me want to make jokes,” Matthews continued. “Ross wasn’t an angel, so obviously they didn’t know him. It doesn’t make me feel comforted in any way.”

She said she felt relieved when people were direct. “It means something when they say, ‘Oh, Holly, it sucks that you’re going through this.’

I sent a sympathy card and flowers

Matthews said her house was filled with wreaths and bouquets after Ross died.

“I understand the sentiment, but I didn’t know what to do with the flowers and sympathy cards,” she said.

“Instead, I’d rather have someone text me and acknowledge and say they’ve put some money into Ross’s hospice.”

She said the gesture was not “wasteful” and felt “at least something good” came from her husband’s death.

Matthews also said that vague offers of help are difficult to resolve. “People said, ‘I’m here for you. How can I help you?” but it’s difficult to be concrete when you’re in a state of pain,” she said.

The mum said practical offers were welcome, such as doing the shopping, laundry or gifting a takeaway voucher.

“It’s a nice change from flowers and cards,” she added. “It doesn’t help because I can’t bring it back. But if people say, ‘I’m going to Uber Eats to get you something to eat,’ that’s a lot more important.”

You’re doing so well – I don’t know how I’d manage

Matthews said people who didn’t know her well would comment on how well she was doing.

“But I never said I was fine all the time,” she said. “I’d say, ‘Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry my eyes out, and sometimes I’m angry.’

She said she felt validated when people listened and tried to understand.

According to Matthews, one of the most inappropriate comments he received came from a woman who said, “I could never do what you do. My biggest fear is that my husband might die of brain cancer.”

“My thought was, ‘OK, well, mine did, and if yours did, you’d find a route.’ We are human beings and very resilient”.

She said people have asked if she only “carried on” because of her daughters. “They meant well, but I made it clear that I wouldn’t have killed myself if the children weren’t there.”

Isn’t it time to start dating again?

Matthews recalled when a neighbor asked in front of her children if she thought she would marry again.

“It’s been a few months since Ross died,” she said. “I hadn’t even thought about having that conversation with the kids yet, and it was really awkward for them and me.”

She said she had “zero problem” with dating, but didn’t like being questioned about it.

“First of all, who says I’m not dating and second of all, mind your own business,” she said. “Mostly because I have two daughters who don’t want to think about how their mother is doing or anything.”

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