I paid for my own engagement ring; My husband picked out my wedding dress

Since then, we have deviated from social and gender norms, doing what was right for us. Thirty years later, we’re still blazing our own trail.

Our wedding was unique

We first went to a local jewelry store to buy my engagement ring and our wedding bands. I paid for them all because we were both in college and had more money than Steve.

Later, he accompanied me to a bridal shop. The saleswoman who assisted us was clearly shocked that I wanted to model several possibilities for Steve and help me choose my wedding dress. But she allowed it.

We were married in the chapel of our graduate school, Gettysburg Lutheran Theological Seminary. Because she was in Pennsylvania and my maid of honor (my best friend from high school) lived in New Orleans, she didn’t meet Steve until a few days before the wedding. Neither did the other bridesmaids, who lived in Mississippi. We didn’t have a bridal shower or bachelorette party.

On the day of the wedding, my maid of honor was more worried than I was. Standing in front of a crowd and being the center of attention was nothing new to me; I have led worship many times. And I was sure that Steve was right for me.

Our marriage looked different from what was expected of us

After graduating from seminary, Steve and I pastored different congregations. We did not worship together and rarely met members of each other’s churches.

I defied social norms at home too. I had no children. Steve did (and still does) the cooking; i pay the bills Steve also does most of the cleaning and packing when we move. I search for housing options, rent the U-Haul truck, send our mail, and open accounts for internet and other service providers. They also plan our vacations and local outings.

I had occasional full-time jobs while Steve was unemployed; we moved and when i was offered a job in a far city. I had more nights out and went on more trips with friends than Steve.

Some people – usually men – believe that traditional gender roles require women to submit to men. Steve knew I would never be a quiet or submissive wife and he didn’t want me to be. Meanwhile, I knew he would never compromise his ethics to make more money or climb the corporate ladder, and I didn’t want him to.

Three decades later, we’re glad we went against the grain

This year marked our 33rd anniversary. We still do what’s best for us and don’t care what others think. We are now middle aged and live in a one bedroom apartment.

We again defied what was expected of us when we started new careers in our 50s. I am now a freelance writer and mental health guide. I also have two part-time jobs as an ACT/SAT test prep tutor and church office administrator. Both are remote and allow me to control my work schedule. My husband is an Uber driver and software developer.

We ignore social norms like we’ve always done because it’s always worked for us. Paving our own path has brought us joy, so we won’t stop now.