The stay-at-home mom struggles and tries not to disturb her partner

At this time my daughter was three months old. I promised my clients that he would be in daycare by six months so that he could be my priority during the day. It was too much of a promise.

While we were mentally calculating if all of this would work, the tour guide told us it was $350 to get on the Kindergarten waiting list.

Someone else on the tour turned on the sound to say, “And that’s going toward your other fees?”

The tour guide put on his best empathetic smile. “No. It’s just the cost of getting on the waiting list. We’ve had a lot of problems with people disappearing on us, so that just tells us you’re serious.”

I pretended to listen to the rest of the virtual tour, knowing that day care wasn’t going to work for us. Between the costs and the waiting lists, why not keep it at home and hope that daycare isn’t so crazy?

Two years later, I still don’t know if I made the right decision to become a stay at home mom.

I started implementing a set schedule

Keeping my daughter home with me was our only choice. I work for myself at home. To some extent, I set my schedule and could take care of my daughter as needed. My partner has to go into an office with heavy machinery – not the best environment for a newborn.

But it was impossible when I started balancing my daughter’s needs with my work. Everything seemed to change in an instant and I never knew when I would be able to work. I couldn’t go on like this without something breaking.

I realized we needed to have a schedule in place to save my sanity, so I set one up when she was about eight weeks old.

I found that we both flourished. My daughter had a rhythm to her day that she responded to and I knew when I could get the job done. Are these times always reliable? No, but having the basic plan made everything a little easier.

I put one-on-one time with my daughter on the calendar. My clients know they can contact me in an emergency at those times, but otherwise, it’s treated like any client meeting: My daughter has my undivided attention.

I am struggling through this difficult situation

My partner can leave the house whenever he wants. When I leave, I have to figure out what to do with our daughter. She’s been to client meetings and work events because I don’t have anyone else to watch her, which isn’t ideal for getting more client work done.

I also push boundaries. I just can’t work as much as I did before my daughter was born, which means I don’t take on as many jobs. I had to pass on several opportunities that would have been interesting, simply because I don’t have time.

Then there are the days when my daughter has a temperature of 102 degrees and needs me all day. Our schedule goes out the window. Work must be on hold until her bedtime. This would happen if she was in daycare too, but it seems to hit harder when I watch my partner walk out the door and I’m left with the mess of my day.

I try not to upset him; we are all doing what is best for our family at this time, but it can get difficult.

I’m trying to take my time with my daughter this time

As I juggle caring for my child and working for my clients, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. But I remember that this time is so fleeting. My daughter is so young for such a short time and I will never have this uninterrupted time with her again.

As we begin our search for the perfect preschool for her, I find myself crying as I imagine her learning and having fun without me. Will I really have to let her go in one short year? It seems unbearable.

So, as much as I fight against all the limitations this life has given me, I hold my daughter tighter every day as I whisper to her, “You don’t have to grow up so fast, do you?” Every day I watch how she sure is growing up too fast.