Ivy Leaguer With Schizophrenia: Hallucinations Make College Difficult

I was very afraid. I had recently watched “A Beautiful Mind”, the story of mathematician John Nash, who was a brilliant man with schizophrenia. I was scared because I realized I was experiencing the same thing.

I didn’t tell anyone. Instead, I attended the high school every day across the street from Columbia University. I watched the students, wanting to be them so bad. However, my hallucinations made me feel like I could never enter the halls of Columbia.

I had terrifying hallucinations and refused to use technology

For four years, I tried to keep my hallucinations a secret. It was very difficult because one of them was a terrifying evil entity named Evan. Evan was half bird, half man. They would try to rip my skin off. I saw him in the corner of my room most days and I also saw severed heads on the floor. I lived in fear from age 14 until age 16 when I stopped seeing Evan.

Although Evan was gone, my symptoms became much more apparent between the ages of 17 and 19. I was lying at home talking to things that weren’t there. I had cognitive decline and keeping up with schoolwork became very difficult.

I developed the belief that I could not use any electronic device because it would destroy a vital chemical found only in my body. For five years, I didn’t use a TV or computer, making homework almost impossible. At first, I couldn’t use a phone either, but eventually I taught myself to overcome this fear. I typed all my college applications on a phone because I couldn’t use a computer.

After my diagnosis, I found other students with schizophrenia

I graduated high school in 2020, but by then, my parents knew something was wrong. They took me to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with schizophrenia. I already knew I had the disease, but hearing it from a professional was unnerving.

My parents were very supportive. They told me how resilient I am. However, I still didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone about my hallucinations. I didn’t want to be labeled as a freak.

That changed when I found an organization called Students with Psychosis on Instagram. Connecting with other students who were hallucinating made me realize that my experience was not isolated. It gave me the freedom to talk to someone who wasn’t a mental health professional about what I was going through.

I moved to college, but I couldn’t leave the dorm

I had planned to go to college after graduation, but COVID and my diagnosis delayed my departure. After taking a semester off, I enrolled at a college in Connecticut in January 2021. I moved into the dorms and enrolled in classes.

Being away from home was extremely difficult for me. The hallucinations told me that if I left my dorm, I would be hit by a truck and there would be nothing left of me. On the sixth day, I called my mother. He moved into a hotel room where we lived together for the semester.

I finished the semester with a 4.0 GPA, but it took me so long. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t pushed myself so hard.

I enrolled at Columbia, but I’m still hallucinating

After that semester, I moved back home and applied to be a visiting student at Columbia University. I took classes in art and psychology, then applied to become a formal student in the general studies program. I was accepted and started that program this fall.

I am taking my studies very slowly. I’m only taking one class this semester. Reading and studying are very challenging because my hallucinations are always present. Almost constantly, I see seven lemons and three eels.

Fortunately, my treatments helped me get rid of personified hallucinations like Amy and Evan, which were even more disturbing. However, I have good days and bad days and sometimes I can’t make it to class.

My schizophrenia is treatment resistant, which means I will probably always have some symptoms. I have to live with them. If I fight against them, it takes more out of me.

Right now, my dreams and goals are manifesting. I’m going to get my degree. It might take me longer than most, but that’s fine with me.