She stopped using dating apps until she was introduced to a new method

Jennie Young, a professor of English and women’s and gender studies at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay, became frustrated while looking for love online. When she realized it was like looking for a “needle in a haystack,” she decided to Google her question: “How do you find a needle in a haystack?” This led her to her answer and ultimately her method: Burn the haystack. This is what will make it easier to identify the metal needle.

The main idea of ​​the method is to avoid focusing on being attractive and not trying to meet as many men as possible. It’s about being more selective about men and always weighing how they communicate.

“The reason we immediately block men who lead with comments about our looks or sexual content has absolutely nothing to do with personal values,” Young wrote in a Substack article posted on Facebook in August. Rather, she explains that they are blocked because these types of comments can lead to the following conclusions: poor social skills, lack of empathy, laziness or disrespect for women.

Young started the Burned Haystack Dating Method Facebook group last year. It now has over 100,000 members—I’m one of them.

As a single mother, my time is too limited to pass

In the past, I’ve treated applications like a numbers game and talked to as many men as possible to land the first date. With a wide net, I would surely meet someone interesting sooner, right? But I found that most guys were indiscriminately swiping right or sending likes to every woman nearby, so I was overwhelmed by men who didn’t even look at my profile.

It was hard to get an actual date because it seemed like endless texting was the goal. Responding to matches and the impersonal “hey, how was your day?” messaging has become as interesting as filing utility bills.

Being a single mom with my own business, I just didn’t have time for more admin. So after a few months, a few unremarkable dates, and a phantom disaster, I deleted the apps for good.

I was only tempted when I read about Burned Haystack and started connecting with other members on Facebook – they all seemed as fed up with online dating as I was.

Now, I use academic principles to select matches

Young teaches followers how to read between the lines in profiles and use semiotics to critically see visual cues in photos. I learned that everything tells you who the guy really is.

Selfies in bed and requirements to be open-minded and adventurous? They are only interested in sex. A profile that says “we’ll get along if you avoid unnecessary arguments and always live in the present” doesn’t mean ease, it means: “I’m not committed to the future and you can’t say anything about it.” If their perfect Sunday is watching Netflix, our future together would be spent in front of the TV, which is fine, but he’s not the guy for me.

The best thing about the method is that they are only in the app for a few minutes a day. Most of the time is spent narrowing down the pool by blocking/removing profiles that don’t suit me or give red flags. And tick off anyone who sends a “like” without a message because they know that “like” is not an indicator of real interest and just dilutes the fund.

Before I would look at their profile and write a personalized message to those guys if I liked something on them. I would have overlooked the generic introductory message, thinking, “That’s okay because the conversation after that matters.”

And if they didn’t ask me questions, I’d ask them more to keep the conversation going, in case they really wanted to meet and just aren’t great at texting. Now instead of suggesting meeting to speed things up, I block or delete their profile after a few days if they are stuck in virtual chat mode. If a conversation dies on their side, I drop it and never think of them again.

It’s such a relief that managing a dating app isn’t taking over my life. Every day, when I empty the pool and there are no more profiles, I cheer up inside.

I transfer the method to real life

It’s early days, but I think the method means dating apps won’t upset my desire to live this period.

More importantly, it taught me that the same signs are visible in the way a man talks and behaves in person. If he talks about himself the whole meeting, he’s not nervous to impress, he’s a bad communicator. If he’s late and doesn’t text to let me know, he’s not relaxed, he’s careless.

Does the new method work? With just those two minutes a day on the app, I’ve already had three in-person dates in three weeks, two of which I’d happily meet again.

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