Surprising truths about couples therapy, according to a queer couple

Despite its challenges, couples therapy has also been enlightening and emotionally rewarding. Here are a few things that surprised me about it.

The couples therapist is not a personal referee

The reason my boyfriend and I started couples therapy is because we couldn’t find an effective way to communicate our needs, plans, and expectations. Basically, we argued too much.

I thought our therapist would be like a referee at a basketball game who favored one team – mine. I’d say something that pissed me off, and in an act of solidarity she’d blow the whistle, throw one of those yellow flag things, and foul my boyfriend. Of course, she would also have had a singular tear in her eye because she was so inspired by my ability to be honest.

In any case, our therapist consistently and kindly brings me back to reality. Couples counseling, as she reminds me, is not about taking sides or proving who is right or wrong. It serves as a space to ensure that each partner is heard and that their feelings are shared and acknowledged.

Couples counseling is not a journal

I was convinced that each session would be like writing in my personal diary. I imagined I could wax poetic about my doomsday thoughts or fear of inadequacy, close the journal, and do it all over again next week.

While it is imperative and brave to share my insecurities, the purpose of this type of therapy is much more than that. Instead, it’s about developing healthy habits and new ways of communicating.

Our therapist taught us that we entered a cycle that almost always ends up in the same place of frustration and futility. What we are working on now is learning new behaviors that can break this existing cycle and show us a new way of communicating and connecting.

Easier said than done, but we’re committed to trying.

There is room for laughter and joy in couples therapy

Couples therapy isn’t so bleak after all. Yes, tears were shed, but I don’t have to wear black or an Addams Family style fascinator after every session.

There is a lot of joy, laughter and levity during the romantic trenches. There is something so hilarious about deliberately changing the way you did or talked about things. It’s like Duolingo for emotional intelligence.

For example, it means a lot to my boyfriend to keep the house tidy, so our conversations now go like this:

“Hey, baby. I cleaned the dishes, baby.”

“Hey baby. Thank you so much for doing this baby. I really appreciate it when you prioritize the things that are important to me baby.”

I know what you’re asking: is that what gay robots sound like?

Although I have a different way of communicating and navigating the world, we learn to meet where the other is and speak accordingly. Mechanical as it may seem, it works and we laugh about it.

Laughter strengthens us.

It’s just about recommitting ourselves to each other again and again

You are not qualified in couples therapy. You are not on trial. You are not being judged. In my experience, couples counseling is a manifestation of commitment.

My partner and I see our therapist every Saturday because it’s the time we’ve chosen to prioritize and strengthen our relationship. No one is forcing us to sit on the couch for an hour and talk to a therapist on Zoom. We make the decision to commit to each other and seek help. There’s no shame in that. On the contrary, there is love and connection in both the desire to do something for us and for ourselves.

As our therapist tells me, relationships take effort until it feels like no effort at all.