Stop asking my kids what their plans are College plans

We conducted a very unscientific survey and found that many of their friends felt the same way. Neither of them liked being asked what they planned to do next.

Every teenager is different

As the oldest daughter, I knew what I was going to do after high school long before I graduated. I had backup plans for my backup plans. Even I graduated college early after taking classes over winter and summer breaks.

So when my kids got to high school, I had to relax. It’s one thing to say you support them in whatever they decide. But when they decide on a career you haven’t considered for them, or don’t decide anything at all until you think they should…well, that can challenge your claims of unconditional support.

I had a kid who knew he was going to college, even though he didn’t know where until high school graduation. I had one that didn’t know what she wanted to do at all. He’s been out of high school for a year now. She’s working, but still doesn’t quite know what she’s going to do career-wise. I’m not sure what’s on the horizon for my current high schooler or his little sister, but I know they’ll each create their own individual paths as well.

Part of the fun of being a parent is watching each of these children develop into their own adult person. Beyond just seeing what they do next with their lives, I look at their personality and character development.

Teens who don’t know their plans can get stressed when people ask

I’ve seen my daughter stand up on her own and she doesn’t apologize when people ask her what she’s doing next. As a people pleaser and model student, I couldn’t have answered those questions with such confidence. I also saw the consideration he puts into what he will do next. And I really appreciate her not spending money to figure out how much she’s already in college.

Even though I admire my daughter for confidently telling me she doesn’t know her plans, it still stresses her out. Her high school brother is starting to feel the pressure as well.

My kids tell me that it bothers them and their friends when people ask what they’re doing next. They see this as an implication that they should reveal their future by now. They may feel judged.

At the very least, they can become stressed and begin to think they should be further along in their life decisions than they actually are.

They’d rather you ask them about what’s going on now

So if we know this question bothers many teenagers, what should we ask them instead?

Ask about their present. Ask them what they’re up to now. You can see if they have hobbies, are involved in sports or play music. See what musicians they like or if they’re going on a family trip. Ask about video games or movies.

When you think about it, high schoolers spend a lot of time focused on the future. My kids have had plenty of teachers to teach them about college prep. Much of high school focuses on preparing teenagers for the “real world” after graduation. Even playing sports, volunteering, or playing an instrument can all be fun, but the bottom line is knowing that those activities look good on college applications.

Sometimes it’s a relief for teens to be able to talk about what’s going on right now. It would probably feel like a much needed break for them.

One day, I will look back and know the answer to what my teenagers will be doing in their post-high school years. Right now, I’m just trying to enjoy each day I have with them as it comes. Judging by the years of parenting under my belt, I know this phase too will pass too quickly.