German vs. American Father: Differences According to American Mother

• Celia Robbins moved with her family to Berlin after her husband took a job in Germany.
• Robbins, 37, was surprised to see how independent the children were in Berlin.
• She said she learned to let go of parental anxiety and give her children more independence.

This essay, as stated, is based on a conversation with Celia Robbins, an American who moved to Berlin with her family. He works at the Embassy of the United States of America in Berlin. The following has been edited for length and clarity.

Living in the college town of Ithaca, New York, my family of six was used to seeing people leave. In October 2022, my husband completed his post-doc at Cornell University and landed his dream job at a research center in Rostock, Germany. It was finally our turn to have a new experience. We were excited.

This was an opportunity for us to live abroad with our four children – our oldest is now 15, our twins are 12, and our youngest is 9. Because none of them started. high school, we thought it was the perfect stage for us to move.

Last year, the children and I moved to Berlin to attend an international school. My husband commutes to Rostock — a 2 hour train ride — several days a week and returns every weekend.

Back in the US, I had raised my children as helicopter parents, having a lot of control over every aspect of their lives.

I owed my children’s schedule to the US

I spent about two hours each day in the car driving my kids to school or a long list of extracurriculars. My husband and I were juggling a lot of balls together, struggling to fit the schedule as the kids relied on us to take them everywhere.

But here in Berlin, kids are expected to manage their own things and get places.

They are no longer at the whim of their schedules, to a great extent Thank you on Berlin’s public transport system—we don’t even own a car here.

If my kids want to do an extracurricular activity, they do it themselves. So if one is ambitious and wants to pick five, that’s fine, because it’s up to them. They are responsible for their own activities and let us know when they will be away at their Model UN meeting or band practice.

In the US, I did some consulting and wrote courses in parallel. Now, I have a lot more freedom and I got a full-time job working at the US embassy.

I let my kids be independent

Although I have always felt safe in our city of New York, in Berlin it feels safer for my children to be alone.

A year ago, I would not have been comfortable with my 9 year old coming home alone. But seeing that it’s normal for other kids their age to pick themselves up showed me what kids are capable of. So that fear has been removed.

There is a sense of community here to look after children. Children here are expected to be a little more independent, so it’s not unusual to see them on their own.

The adjustment period was difficult

For us for the first few weeks, I was one of the few mothers who did the school pick-up and drop-off. There was another American mother and when she stopped, my kids said, “please stop, mom.” Once I stopped, I felt a sense of peace; it would be good.

Back in the US, if my kids left their musical instruments at home and had cello lessons, I would get a call from the school secretary asking me to bring them. But the Berlin school said: “We will not call you. This is your child’s responsibility.”

Although I was a little shocked, it taught both me and my children that they are capable of more than we thought they were.

I am proud of my children because they have become more independent

Sometimes I want a little more control. But I am so grateful for every child my children have befriended.

Children are the best teachers for other children. My kids follow their friends and learn to live a life where they are much more responsible for their choices and decisions.

Recently, my son left his lunch at home. Before, I would have panicked if I saw his lunchbox was still on the counter, thinking, “Oh my God, he hasn’t eaten today.” But later that day, he told me that after noticing he forgot his lunch, a friend said, “Let’s buy you a bagel,” and they found a solution.

It was strange for me. I still want my kids to need me in some ways, but our relationship has changed to the point where it’s less of a mental burden for me to remember so much. Now, they are expected to be responsible for things.

I learned to let go of my control and parental anxiety

Maybe my kids are getting old too. But now, it’s become this relationship where I can give a lot as a parent.

I have been sick and recently in the hospital. My husband texted our kids to ask if one of them could pick up milk on the way home and help with other chores. And they did.

This changed me as a parent because it took the pressure off me to always be “on”. In the past, I could never take a sick day.

I get asked all the time, “Do you miss home?” And while I miss my mom and being able to call a doctor for an antibiotic, I don’t miss being in the US.

I’ve learned that home is wherever we are together, and for now, Berlin is home.

Have a story about moving abroad that you want to share? Connect with the reporter, Erin: [email protected].