How to make friends at work and keep them after you leave the company

• When I started my job, I struggled to connect with my colleagues and hid behind my desk.
• A therapist told me to find common ground with my peers; We learned that we share a love for music.
• It was hard to keep those new friendships when I left the company, but I’m working on it.

I would describe myself as shy and awkward around people I don’t know. A combination of issues—including the pandemic, a history of depressive symptoms, and teenage friendships ending abruptly—made it difficult for me to connect with new people.

However, I wanted to make changes in my life. At work, I wanted to talk to people and do friends with work colleagues in the office. Staying quiet at my desk was part of that comfort zone my therapist told me to get out of, so I tried to break those invisible chains and take up some space.

I once found the key to making friends at workI realized that I don’t have to hide behind my desk anymore.

At first, I kept my distance from most of my colleagues

I worked in the marketing department of a small engineering and design company. my colleagues they were mostly men under 35, while the two women were acquaintances from my childhood.

When I started work, I was in full withdrawal mode. Coming straight from college halls, I was overwhelmed browsing the workplace dynamics. Plus, I was sure to ask stupid questions during meetings because my engineering knowledge was that of an elementary school kid. This made me avoid talking if possible.

I mostly kept my distance and hid in my desk. Unfortunately, at 5’1”, I’m not short enough to hide under OFFICE.

I started to feel more comfortable with my colleagues

I had to do an interview my colleagues for projects and ask them to explain very complex engineering concepts. From there, I felt more comfortable with them; it was like breaking the ice. I started exchanging more words than “good morning” at 8:25 am in the elevator and “thank you” when they opened the door for me.

When I wanted to take these interactions to the next level, I turned to Beverley Fehr, a social psychologist at the University of Winnipeg who researches relationships, for help.

“Similarity is a major predictor of friendship,” she told me. “Colleagues at least have the workplace in common, so that’s a good place to start. From there, you can branch out to see if you and a colleague have other things in common.”

So, we looked for similar interests – beyond our jobs. Surprisingly, I found things in common with them. I realized that many of my classmates liked to listen to music from the 80s, which is not what you would expect from people born in the mid to late 90s. We also bonded by playing musical instruments. The discovery of these similarities was unexpected.

Fehr also told me that it’s best to start slowly when building friendships with work colleagues. It is better to share superficial information about yourself at first. Try to build trust and then you can build a personal relationship.

I also put that advice into practice. A few days before going to the Greta Van Fleet concert, I opened up to my colleagues. I talked about why rock music it meant so much to me. I wanted to test the waters to see who I could connect with further. This started a stimulating exchange.

From that moment I felt more and more relaxed with my colleagues; I could see us becoming friends.

But I struggled to keep those relationships when I changed jobs

Jobs and relationships come and go in waves. Unfortunately, when leaving a companythe relationships you build in that place can break like glass.

“Part of the problem is that you don’t see this person on a regular basis anymore,” Fehr said. “You also have less in common now, especially if your friend is still at the same job. When we lose that closeness, it becomes much more difficult to maintain the relationship.”

This happened to me. When my contract was up, we promised to stay in touch. I knew people said these words to make saying goodbye easier. Fortunately, my colleagues invited me to a happy hour work a week after my time with the company ended. But I find it hard to write to former colleagues without feeling forceful and invasive.

Fehr advised making a deliberate effort to maintain contact with them. I just need to schedule a time to meet for a casual date.

With that in mind, I bit the bullet. I just texted a former colleague to meet for coffee. After all, I need to hear their latest thoughts on Greta Van Fleet and Avril Lavigne.