25 brilliant dad sayings and threats you heard growing up in Manchester

Manchester dads are truly unique, famous for books so memorable we find ourselves repeating their words of wisdom and jokes. Whether they’re complaining that the house looks “like Blackpool lights” or telling us they’re “going to see a man about a dog”, some of these turns of phrase have stuck around over the years.

To celebrate Father’s Day, we thought we’d take a look back at some of the memorable things our dads used to say to us as kids. Previously, we asked MEN readers to also name threats they remember hearing dads say in years past.

Be aware that some of these statements are not exactly politically correct, and while some may sound quite threatening, they were never meant to be taken seriously. From comical jokes to dubious health and safety advice, these are the phrases that stick in our childhood memories.

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Of course, this isn’t an exhaustive list, so if you think there’s a classic dad line that deserves a mention that we missed, leave us a comment below.

1. “It is not the cough that takes you, but the coffin in which they take you.”

Here’s a dad phrase that just rolls off the tongue. The meaning of the message here is not so much about your death, but rather about the dignity with which you meet it – or something like that.

2. “Never trust a man who can’t look you in the eye when he’s talking to you”

Words of wisdom indeed. While Mancunian dads are known for their intelligence and warmth, they are also fiercely protective.

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3. “Stop writing”

A dad’s response to you complaining about, well, just about anything.

4. “Next time I’ll tell your mom”

Children soon learn how to play one parent against the other. However, if you stepped a little too far out of line, the threat of your mother being informed was always a formidable deterrent.

5. “It’s like Piccadilly Circus here”

Usually, he said whenever you had more than one friend and things got a little too rowdy.

6. “Don’t sit on cold floors, you’ll get piles”

A familiar phrase to many and one that has discouraged us from sitting on a cold surface at all costs.

7. “Ask Your Mother”

A perennial classic that came about when your dad just didn’t want to deal with your bullshit.

8. “You’ll be smiling on the other side of your face”

A typical threat when your father was liquidated.

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9. “Don’t sit near the fire, you’ll get corned beef legs”

Standing too close to fireplaces and heaters was strictly prohibited. Mancunian dads wouldn’t want any accidents to happen on their watch.

10. “Stand that close to the television and you’ll get square eyes”

Sounds like wild advice, we now spend a good portion of our waking hours with a phone screen inches from our faces. But for generations past, the thought of waking up with robot eyes seemed real — though it never stopped us from sitting cross-legged right in front of the TV.

11. “Put wood in the hole on the way out”

Were you in the habit of leaving the door ajar when you left the room? If so, this one is for you.

12. “A lot of corporate pop on tap”

You’d probably hear this if you asked your dad for money to buy a drink at the store. “Corporation” refers to the local authority and while “pop” meant tap water, not the fizzy stuff.

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13. “I’ve seen more life in a tramp’s vest”

You probably heard this a lot during your teenage years, because you were too lethargic and not excited enough for dad’s liking.

14. “Turn off the lights. It’s like the Blackpool lights here”

This expression of disbelief would be used when too many lights were left on in rooms that were not in use. It usually referred to a single light, usually in a room you were in.

15. “I’m not a taxi service”

You knew he would help you, he knew he would, but not without making a fuss first. But never answer with the line – “I know, I’m not paying you”. It’s not going well. Neither does the cry of “forward” when your father puts his key in the ignition.

16. “Stop whining or I’ll give you something to whine about”

It also sounds like something many mothers would say. If we were wise, we would stop crying, but sometimes we would continue crying just to see what the consequences would be.

17. “You make a better door than a window”

That was a polite way of asking you to move out of the way so your father could see something.

18. “I’m going to see a man about a dog”

In true dad humor, we all knew what that meant. The expression is used as an excuse to leave a situation, whether to use the toilet, buy a drink or something else.

19. “Don’t come running to me when you break your leg”

Dads are always ready with a little sympathy when they see their kids overexcited. This phrase is usually followed by “it will end in tears”.

20. “I’m not made of money”

It’s not, but you know it’ll fall apart if you break it enough – or you’ll get mom on your side.

21. “If the wind changes, your face will stick like this”

This was often said when you were caught crossing your eyes or making crazy faces. The scientific accuracy of this claim has always been questionable.

22. “Your head will fall off if you pick your nose”

A classic favourite. This was either a deterrent against nose picking or a challenge to test the theory.

23. “Were you born in a barn? Close the door”

Never leave any door open. Ever. Your father was thinking about the heating bill again.

24. “If you were to jump off a cliff would you?”

This saying would be dusted off if you compared yourself to another person or to a child who was allowed to do something that was not you.

25. “I’m not going to tell you anymore!”

Whatever you’re doing or complaining, stop – it won’t end well.